So an argument with the ex-girlfriend went like this. “I was XYZ’s bridesmaid and the wedding gatecrashing was so fun!” “Wedding gatecrashing is retarded. I am not having one at our wedding.” “But it’s tradition!” “Binding women’s feet is also traditional.” Cue argument.
The longevity of our now non-existent relationship aside, wedding gatecrashing (I’m only speaking as a Chinese groomsman here, since the only other non-Chinese gatecrashing I attended did not require the ingestion of rubbish or getting Dynamo-proof stains on my clothes) is an asinine “tradition” that continues to get more ludicrous thanks to bridesmaids trying to top each other’s torture methods.
You know the drill. The hapless groom and the compliant groomsmen have to head the bride’s house 2-3 hours early so they can be subjected to a series of childish trials that range from perverse activities to borderline lethal dares. Girls who are normally picky about dirty jokes or vulgarities suddenly find it completely acceptable to force guys into sexually deviant positions in front of them, while girls who are unable eat food that isn’t worthy of a Michelin star believe that it’s fine to force guys to eat crap that is barely digestible by human stomachs.
The abhorrent thing is that even after performing all these infantile stunts, grooms still have to give ang paos to the bridesmaids in order to enter the house and “retrieve” the bride. That money would be better off paying for BDSM, since it’ll cost the same, equate to the same activities but bring much more pleasure. That’s the topper.
So here are 6 reasons why we should really, really stop this unsophisticated tradition, and give everybody else more time to sleep on the wedding day.
1)It’s rude to the groom
In what other instance would it be all right to say, make one man eat a banana that’s hanging at the crotch off another man? Or to scrawl lipstick all over the face of another guy without providing any method of washing it off (guys don’t carry makeup remover on them all the time)? Or for two men to grind each other while complaining when the same things happen in clubs to the bridemaids (again, a show of hypocrisy)?
That’s right. Only for wedding gatecrashes. But what’s a wedding, you might ask? It’s a day to honour the marriage between the bride and the groom. That’s right, the wedding includes the groom, who happens to be footing half the bill. It’s even ruder if the groom is footing more than the bill and still has to tolerate this abuse.
Until women willingly comply with requests to eat strawberries and cream off each other’s crotches without thinking it’s disrespectful, there’s no way to see wedding gatecrashing as anything but humiliating for the groom and the groomsmen, whom, you know, are being punished for being his buddies.
2)It’s a waste of precious time
Weddings, especially if they are full day ones that begin with morning activities and end with a dinner (as compared to those ridiculous two-day affairs where you have the church wedding on one day and the wedding luncheon on another day, but no, wedding gatecrashing is still just as retarded for those types of retarded weddings), are dead tiring. If you’re a groomsman or bridesmaid, you have to stay up for almost 20 hours and run around, making sure that everything goes smoothly so that the poor bride and groom don’t have to worry as much.
So why would you want to add another 2 worthless hours of activities to an already gruelling day?!
It’s not like it’s the Chinese tea ceremony, where it’s all part of our Chinese culture. The wedding gatecrashing has no bearing on that – do you think Zhuge Liang had to gatecrash Huang Yueying’s house to get married? I don’t think so either. He would have come up with some other scheme to win her hand.
3)It destroys clothes
As a groomsman, I’ve had at least one item of clothing rendered unuseable after every single wedding gatecrashing, and I’ve been on duty for over five weddings. That’s a lot of pants (mostly) to ruin. And pants in my size aren’t easy to find!
That’s also expensive. And you know, it’s not the sort of thing you can complain about (unless you’re writing an article about how wedding gatecrashing is retarded) because it’s your buddy’s big day and you want him to be as happy as possible about it. Plus, it’s not really his fault – it’s the collective responsibility of the bridesmaids going overboard with their puerile antics. But go ask the bridesmaids to pay you back for your ruined clothes and see what happens…
4)It is unhygienic and unhealthy
The worst activity is this stupid segment called “酸甜苦辣” which literally means “sour-sweet-bitter-spicy” and entails the groomsmen having to eat four items, one that’s sour, one that’s sweet, one that’s bitter, and one that’s spicy.
I believe it probably used to be symbolic, like how you dump all the stuff into yusheng which honestly doesn’t taste that great (no seriously yusheng doesn’t taste nice la). So the food items used were probably reasonable way back when it started.
But not now. Spicy means eating fistful of wasabi. Sour means pouring battery acid down your throat. People have gone to the hospital for this. And yet bridesmaids strive to create the worst possible dishes in culinary history, for whatever unfathomable reason.
I also recall seeing some specks of dirt in some random bitter drink with leaves once, which lead me to believe the bridesmaids just threw soil into the drink to make it more bitter. Cleanliness is next to godliness, right?
5)It demeans women
So what’s the point of wedding gatecrashing, I once asked. It’s “for the groom to prove how much he loves the bride” apparently. The more torturous your tasks, the more you love the bride. Then it becomes a transaction, doesn’t it? Because ultimately, you’re treating the bride as an object that has to be acquired only after completing a series of tasks. Do these tasks or no bride for you. It’s like “do your homework or no ice cream for you.”
I don’t get women who complain they’re just an object to their husband when in the first place, you behaved like one by going along with this ridiculous wedding gatecrashing tradition. If you don’t want to be treated as a possession, then don’t start off your marriage by being one.
Unless you’re Princess Toadstool, of which then, that’s what I’m going to call you for the rest of your life.
6)It is juvenile
If you want/enjoy wedding gatecrashing, you’re still an immature little girl, not a grown woman. It’s like picking the wings off a fly, or using a magnifying glass to burn ants. Sure, I see the appeal of it, but once you’re an adult, you learn to curb these urges or at least divert them into more productive endeavours. It’s the equivalent of bullying.
Zero respect for this sort of despotic behaviour because that’s what it is – sanctioned bullying that has no consequences. Domestic abusers don’t get this much leeway in court, and yes, I’m comparing wedding gatecrashing to spouse abuse because there’s a spouse and there’s abuse.
So please, friends, stop this inane tradition and give grooms some respect. And the groomsmen too. Those buddies are there for a reason, so don’t drive them away by requiring them to prove their friendship in order for the groom to prove his love.
My future groomsmen, I promise, no wedding gatecrashing at my future wedding.
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I completely agree with you that it’s a retarded practice that should be stopped.
It should be. Perhaps AWARE can look into this.
You sound like a very bitter man… lol so sad for you.
Where did this tradition even come from? I can’t seem to find it anywhere other than Singapore.
Must be from some entitled, self-important female Singaporean – can’t see a male Singaporean having started it.
It’s not a tradition. It’s slowly evolved from stupid TV drama. I completely agree with your post. Didn’t have one, never will have one. Heck, I didn’t even have a wedding. Hated it so much when husband had to be the groomsman. Not sure what’s so fun about humiliating your best friend’s husband-to-be. Agree the culture is retarded and can do without.