It seems that every time Jason Statham is in a film, bad guys will inevitably hold his loved ones hostage so that he’ll perform a series of increasingly impossible tasks. “Mechanic: Resurrection” is no different, except that he’s asked to kill some very important (and very hard-to-kill) people.
But seriously, all these kidnappers have no imagination. Killing people? You can hire a run-of-the-mill assassin for that! If we had Bishop (Jason Statham’s character in “Mechanic: Resurrection”) at our disposal, he’d be doing far more difficult tasks than just assassinating deadly warlords and assassins, like being a parent volunteer at a good Primary school (hey, you need to start early for the better schools OK!).
So here are five tasks that Singaporeans would get Bishop to do. After performing them, he’d be crying to go back to assassinating people, I promise.
1. Get the latest McDonald’s Hello Kitty Happy Meal toys
Although we haven’t had some McDonald’s Hello Kitty exclusives in a while, every time there’s a new promotion, queues that could rival Pokemon GO crowds form overnight. They snake all over community centres and void decks starting from 10pm. If Bishop were our minion, we’d send him to get those Hello Kitty toys. He’d have to fend off noisy aunties, crazed fans, and endure a humid night with kiasu Singaporeans, a task that even the most powerful warlord would loathe doing.
But who can resist those Hello Kitty toys?
2. Chope seat at popular hawker centres
So now Michelin Guide’s Bib Gourmand list is out and suddenly crowds are sprouting up at everyone’s favourite hawker stalls. Seriously, where do all these people come from? That makes our hawker centres even more crowded than usual, and finding a seat is almost impossible with all those tissue packets around. Even if you spot an empty table, you’d need to parkour your way across the crowd to get there before some other office executive slams a tissue packet on it.
Bishop, go get us a table.
3. Be a parent volunteer in a good Primary school
They say every school’s a good school, but actions speak louder than words. Getting into a good Primary school requires years of parent volunteering if you stay far away and have no affiliation to the school. But becoming a parent volunteer is no mean feat. You need to do a write-up about yourself, attend seminars to know what you’re in for, and then go for a rigorous interview. You’ll be up against equally competitive parents. That’s not a job for any regular human being.
That’s a job for the Mechanic.
4. Get into the train during peak hours
Go to Raffles Place at 6pm and you’ll be amazed how little space a human being actually needs to survive. Getting into the station is a problem, let alone going down the escalator onto the train platform. You need a combination of brute strength (to bash through the crowd), feline agility (to dodge other members of the rampaging mob), and inhuman flexibility (to squeeze through small spaces). And that’s after a hard day’s work.
We’d send Bishop to clear a way for us.
5. Complete your Pokedex
Head to Vivocity or Hougang Ave 10 and you’ll be swarmed by Pokemon GO trainers tossing Pokeballs on their mobile phones in a futile attempt to finish their Pokedex (but until someone catches Ditto, nobody’s Pokedex will truly be complete). Then there are country specific Pokemon and legendary Pokemon to worry about. Ain’t nobody got time for this — unless you’ve got Bishop on your side! Sic him on the crowd and watch him catch every Pokemon in sight. Send him to exotic locations to catch Pokemon (he already travels a fair bit to assassinate people).
And get him to catch Ditto. That’ll be a task more difficult than any assassination!
So what impossible task would you ask Bishop to do? Send us your requests and we’ll let Jason Statham know!
This article was also published on Yahoo!.
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