That was always her favourite phrase.
It wasn’t “I don’t let myself make such mistakes” or “I try not to let myself make such mistakes” but an empathetic “I never let myself make such mistakes.”
She Tweeted it when she was distracted by the latest trending topic and took the train in the wrong direction.
She set it as her Facebook status while stalking an ex-boyfriend and buying the wrong flavour of Thai milk tea.
She even hashtagged it to one of her Instagram photo, while she was scrolling through her feed and dispensing judgement on which photos merited a Like from her. But then, her Instagram photos were always full of ridiculous hashtags that nobody cared about, like #monthlydrinks or #dinnerswithfong or #sobeautiful, so it really shouldn’t have been such a surprise.
But no silly mistakes for her. Nosirree, she would never let herself make such mistakes. Such errors were for mere mortals, not someone with the mental acumen and extensive memory that she had. She held herself to such lofty standards, even as she spent 5 minutes trying to fit the new $1 coin into an NTUC trolley. Soon enough, an Instagram photo of the NTUC trolley came up, complete with #sillymich #ineverletmyselfmakesuchmistakes.
What he could not understand, however, was how someone with such self-proclaimed high standards could actually not know how to use her own MacBook. It was pretty, she said, but she had no idea how to install programmes on to it. Apparently, the differences between Windows and the Mac OS were lost on her vast intellect, even if it cost her an entire week just to install a simple Word reader.
But her impossibly high standards came to a crashing halt one day, after she had lambasted him for daring to forget that she detested chocolate cookies but loved chocolate waffles, while she in her infinite lateness had herself forgotten that he had a job interview with his dream company the very same day. It was difficult to deal with the demands of someone with such an impressive calibre, and he decided that it wasn’t worth it the next morning when he woke up and realised that he could never have someone such as her be the mother of his children.
So she found herself back at square one. She had made a mistake, but oh! she never let herself make such mistakes. Her choices in men would be far better the next time, her friends affirmed. Together, they waxed lyrical about the woes of mankind – escalating latte prices at cafes, summoning long forgotten friends to fill up newly vacant wedding tables, and how Singapore should really built a giant air-conditioned dome to deal with the humidity. Small, simple things that they would have already done if they had the power and position to do it.
Even though they were two hours late for their meal, she was thankful just to have friends. After all, she thought, they were always late. No reason to be angry this time. Even though she was, and even though she absent-mindedly picked up her phone, and even though she almost texted him her grouses.
Since she, of course, would never be late for any appointment.
But after they had left, and she found herself on the train home (going in the right direction, of course), she found her mind wandering and wondering.
Maybe, because she never let herself make such mistakes, she would never realise that she was the crux of the problem, and she would never quell that aching loneliness that she would never admit lay deep within her.
The thought lingered for a minute, only to be interrupted by a rude jerk. The train had come to a stop, for yet another train fault had occured.
Hmph, she thought. She would never let something like that happen if she ran the trains.
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