Like every Singaporean, my favourite past time is to complain (and eat, but that should be obvious). Of course there have been many movies that just boggled the mind – why oh why did anyone back them? Why did anyone think they would be a good idea in the first place? If that money was put into CPF, you’d have gotten a much better deal. Or if that money went to a charitable cause, at least you’d have bettered the world in some way.
That’s life, I guess. So here are the 5 films of 2016 that you shouldn’t even Wiki. I mean, really. Save yourself some pain.
Are you pretentious? If you are, then OK, I can understand why you’d like “The Handmaiden”. If not, then you can see how this is just a terrible excuse for a director to indulge in his fetishes and call it art. There’s a good twist, I’ll grant you that. But that twist comes from the source material, rather than being a brainchild of the director himself. This is the same person who crapped out “Old Boy”, a film which prized shocking scenes over artistic integrity.
Making a disgusting film on purpose does not mean it is art, entertainment, or anything worth spending your time on.
Do you like tired old gender stereotypes? Then OK, you might like “My New Sassy Girl”. For me, I believe that women aren’t weak, indecisive creatures that need to idolise an attention-seeking coward. That’s what the eponymous sassy girl is in the film – a hypocritical bully who’s only “sass” is a sad attempt to be desirable and cute.
No amount of plastic surgery can save “My New Sassy Girl” from its own inanity.
I can’t understand why great films like “Ghostbusters” can tank at the box office while drivel like “Ride Along” can make enough to garner a sequel. Neither do I understand the appeal of Kevin Hart – can he do anything else besides screaming and running around like a headless chicken? That’s the only role he can play and by now, it should seem evident that this one-trick donkey was accidentally fished from the dredges of a cesspool, and should go back to where he belongs.
Also, if you actually watched “Ride Along 2”, you’ll notice how similar it is to “Fast and Furious” – if “Fast and Furious” had less money and dumber actors. Did some wannabe write a “Fast and Furious” and get rejected and then came to Kevin Hart with a proposal to make an action film, only for it all to end up as a useless turd on the cinema floor?
You can’t fault Zac Efron for trying, well, almost every genre of film. He really puts in the effort. But let’s be clear here, he’s not the problem.
Robert De Niro is.
Robert De Niro is not funny in the same way that Uncle Sim from those Visa ads is not funny. Uncle Sim looks like a pervert who might do unspeakable things to young girls in a dark alley. Robert De Niro, in all his comedy roles as a grumpy old man, almost always ends up in a cradle-snatching, almost paedophilic scene that is just disgusting to anyone has a sister, mother, or daughter.
Someone should lock up Robert De Niro and Uncle Sim in a room and see what happens.
And worst film of the year goes to “Let’s Eat! (开饭啦!)”. Let me categorically state that Chapman To has no directorial or storytelling ability, and this film is worse than any film student’s project. But then, it makes sense. How can you direct and act in your own film and have it be any good? Can you be on both sides of the camera at the same time?
Then there’s Chapman To and Aimee Chan’s shrill, wretched performances. Perhaps the Cantonese version was better – but how much better could changing the language improve slapstick, over-exaggerated movements that could charitably be called – no, actually, I’m not charitable enough to call that acting. They were just opening their mouths and moving their faces.
Finally, and most importantly of all, was the incestuous story. The leads are given an uncle-niece relationship which suddenly blossoms into romance at the end. No sign of romance earlier. They even constantly profess how they remember each fondly as family. Suddenly, the film gets them together at the end. Did anyone read through the script, or was it just a shoddy attempt at moviemaking, like the rest of it?
So angry now. Anyway, what films made your blood boil? Leave a comment for your take on the worst films of 2016!
Marcus Goh is a Singapore television scriptwriter. He’s also a Transformers enthusiast and avid pop culture scholar. He Tweets/Instagrams at Optimarcus and writes at marcusgohmarcusgoh.com. The views expressed are his own.
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